This Is Home
by scottiegal2012
Summary: Summary: The court proceedings and formal hearings following Voyager's return start to wear Kathryn Janeway down. She finally finds support in an old friend. Special Dedication: Written especially for my Rascal, the Dragon and my favorite New York gal, JR. Inspired by a dream of sitting in a New York café bistro with my ladies, drinking coffees and eating pastries. For you gals!
1. Introduction

Title: This is Home

Summary: The court proceedings and formal hearings following _Voyager_'s return start to wear Kathryn Janeway down. She finally finds support in an old friend.

Rating: T...ish or so, some smuttiness and some real story line and a bit of angsty romance. JC ya know.

Special Dedication: Written especially for my Rascal, the Dragon and my favorite New York gal, JR. Inspired by a dream of sitting in a New York café bistro with my ladies, drinking coffees and eating pastries. For you gals!

Introduction

"Coffee. Black." the quiet beep and whir of the replicator assured her at least something was right in the universe. She stood, brushing her long hair out of her face and stretching. "Aye!" She moaned loudly as she made her way to the station that held the steaming, heavy liquid that would carry her through the night. "Computer, time."

"0300." The computer chirped back.

She groaned. It already _had_ taken her through the night. She stepped softly in her bare feet up two steps to the window. Her apartment overlooked Starfleet Academy from a distance. Within hours students would be pouring down the street three stories below on their way to classes. Ready to learn the rigid rules and procedures that Starfleet so proudly clung to. For dear life. It'd been six months since _Voyager_ returned from the Delta Quadrant. She hated being back. She hated the briefings, the hearings, the endless rote monologue she had to deliver to admiral after admiral detailing every course correction, deviance from standard, disobedience to the Prime Directive. True, any captain would face grueling inquisition from their superiors for any one of the decisions she's made, but it was killing her. _Wasn't it?_

Kathryn Janeway hadn't slept more than two hours at a stretch since their return and she hadn't seen any of the crew since. They were each and every one exonerated from any charges during their seven years. Admiral Paris saw to that. Someone had to answer for seven years of _rogue decision making_. As far as Kathryn could tell, she would not be formally charged for anything she or the crew of either ship had done, but the process would indeed kill her. _Had she eaten?_ She stared down at her coffee cup. Her lips hadn't brushed this mug yet. She'd been deep in thought about those inquiries. Five of them tomorrow. Sleep should be attempted before more coffee stimulated her brain.

She didn't bother getting dressed. She crawled into her bed and was asleep with in minutes.

"Red Alert.

"All hands, brace for impact.

"We're abandoning ship.

"Captain's Log, Supplemental: We've engaged the Borg.

"Red alert! Red alert!"

The alarm jarred her awake. She was panting and sweating. Glancing around she realized she had slept well past dawn. She struggled from the bed and staggered to the wash sink. Splashing water on her face would chase away the dreams. The reports, listening to her logs over and over were bringing up horrible memories of their darkest times.

"Computer, call sick bay, _Voyager_."

"Searching."

She didn't know what to call the EMH to find him or if he was on the ship docked in orbit. Whether he had acquired quarters on Earth... or if he was within calling distance at all.

"_Voyager_ Emergency Medical hologram." His face popped up on the screen in the corner of her apartment.

She slumped into the seat beside it, coffee already in her hand.

"You look terrible." He quipped in alarm.

"Thanks. I have to clear it with Admiral Paris, but I need a psych evaluation." She swallowed the lump that was in her throat as she spoke.

The Doctor thought over this a moment. "I doubt you're crazy... Captain." He hesitated at her rank causing her to smirk.

"No one has stripped me of rank, yet, Doctor." She leaned forward and set her mug down. "I'm sick, I haven't eaten, I only sleep with the company of horrible memories. I can't continue these proceedings any longer without a break and only a psych eval will prove that."

He nodded thoughtfully. "They're going to require you to speak to a counselor at Starfleet Medical."

"Only if further treatment is warranted." She waved a PADD absently at him. "I've been researching it. I wouldn't ask this if I thought they'd lock me up for insanity at the very request."

"I'm on the repair station. If it's approved I'll come to you."

"Thank you, Doctor." She keyed the screen off manually, took a long sip from her mug, and dressed in street clothes instead of her dress uniform.

. . . .

The warm San Francisco sun made her grateful for the light top she'd put on. One of the outfits her sister had dug out of storage. She no doubt had worn it to the park with Molly, or on walks with Mark. Memories of Mark brought no feelings. She had long left them behind, but her heart ached for her Irish Setter. Molly had died just before they'd returned.

She stepped up the gradual stone stairway leading into one of the offices around Starfleet Headquarters. It was by far her favorite building. The oldest of them, it had been built in 2072, not many years after Cochrane's Warp Flight. It was one of few established to house the different factions as they learned to live and work together. Now well over 300 years later it still stood on those shores, representing a united world. She made her was down two short hallways to Admiral Paris' office. She knew it well. She spent much time here with her former Commander after making Captain and earning _Voyager. _She liked him, so much like her father, but softer. She tapped lightly on the door. He didn't like the chime.

"Enter." Admiral Paris' voice had a bounce to it.

Kathryn walked in and grinned when she saw him on the floor with a small baby girl propped against his knee pushing a ball back and forth. "You look good, Grandpa."

He smiled up at her. "Tom and my daughter-in-law have stepped out for breakfast. You should have called, I would have had them wait."

"Thank you, but it's better this way."

He frowned and motioned for her to take the baby.

She awkwardly picked Miral off the floor, earning a look of shock from the baby.

Admiral Paris eased himself up and settled on a long couch and reached out for his granddaughter again. "I can get down, but getting up with an infant is much more difficult."

She willingly handed her over to him. "You're lucky I came then. You would have been on the floor for who knows how long." She chuckled.

"You look pale, Kathryn."

She sat across from him, elbows resting on her knees in her old way. "Admiral, I need a break... I've requested a psych evaluation with the _Voyager_'s EMH."

Admiral Paris' started at her words.

She waved him back and sighed. "I don't think it's serious, but if I have to relive the deaths, the fear, the hopelessness over and over it may become serious." She fought tears. It was the first time she verbalized the feelings fully and it stung to feel so weak and helpless.

"That is serious. Is it affecting your health?" He lifted Miral and stood, carrying her over to a small play yard in the corner of his crowded office.

It looked to Kathryn like he entertained Miral often. There were bins of toys, a small chest with clothes hanging out of it and a stack of diapers. She had to think back to his question. "Yes and no. I can sleep if I try, I can eat if I feel ill, but I don't. Dreams and nightmares every time I close my eyes. Always of whatever was rehashed that day." She stood and walked over to his mantle. An old, still working fireplace, with frames above it. One was her favorite. The day she was named his first officer and he threw a banquet. He was always popular around Starfleet, rumored to have almost beat out Jean-Luc Picard for the Enterprise. "Last night it was the Borg. We had to infiltrate a cube and allow partial assimilation..." She trailed off. "The feeling was disgusting and terrifying. Having to live it over and over day in, day out, and in my nightmares now too!?" Her voice had risen unintentionally.

He was facing her, waiting for her to turn. When she didn't he walked up and placed a hand on her shoulder. "See your Doctor, Kathryn. I'll start the order for a stay of proceedings and request extended shore leave." She turned her head a bit toward him and he could see the tears that refused to spill from her eyes. "Go today. You do need a break."

Kathryn touched his hand and he let it slide off her shoulder. She nodded and crept over to the play yard where Miral had fallen asleep sprawled between blocks and soft baby books. "Say hello to them for me?"

He nodded, but she didn't look as she left his office.

Admiral Paris sighed as the door shut after her. He took a seat behind his desk and spent the next three hours fighting Admirals for the right for Kathryn Janeway to rest.


	2. Chapter 1: Tree People Tea

Chapter One: Tree People Tea

It was late morning, and the sun was finally glowing through the heavy fog that blanketed the wooded valley. Chakotay remembered being told his ancestors had walked these grounds countless centuries before. Before the White Man had come to these lands as history and Native legend told. He hated those long stories. Those long camping trips. And now he sorely regretted squandering that time with his father. He hoped a child of his, should he ever have one, would appreciate learning from his father and not be as stubborn as he. He chucked a stone into the tiny stream across from him and made his was back to his cabin.

Starfleet had allowed him extended leave and time to build a cabin in the "untouched" woods of North America. He was certain it had been touched. The paint marking the rocks told him young boys made mischief here in recent years. That was okay with Chakotay. Children needed to play and be free. Something his father didn't understand. He placed an old kettle over an open fire in front of his cabin. The little place had been wired with all the latest gadgets, but also some timeless pieces. An old fireplace, his only heat. An outdoor bathroom-he wished he'd though better of that one when the seasons had changed shortly after arriving. A sleeping mat on the floor, in memory of his father's ways. Simple life. And the river stone half fire pit and grate that he used to heat his tea and breakfast every morning. He poked the coals and settled on the little rocking chair on the porch. He liked this quiet life. It gave him time to gather his thoughts... and his feelings. It had been seven years since he'd spent time on his own. With the Maquis he would get away in a shuttle now and than. He'd head to some lost moon or isolated world and dream for a while. On _Voyager_ he spent every waking moment with the crew, and many hours of that with her Captain. How he missed her. Her voice, her walk, the way her hair hung on a bad day, the way she glared at Harry when he'd voice something quite... well stupid. That wasn't fair. Harry knew more than most officer's on board. He sighed... his thoughts trailed away from her every time he focused. He didn't know if he'd ever see her again. His new Command would leave space dock in less than 3 months and hers would begin when the hearings were over. He didn't even know what her new career was, though she'd been denied a crew and ship. _"Seven years out of touch is too long" _one Admiral chirped harshly to her the day the crew was being reassigned. She requested a ship, even a small, short range training vessel. They were not going to allow it. She'd likely teach at the Academy. He laughed at the idea, choking on the stick he'd been chewing thoughtfully on. She hated listening to Icheb drone on about whatever lesson he had been assigned and Naomi's constant questions on the Bridge drove her crazy. Full days with shiny booted, fresh Academy _kids_ would be harsh punishment.

A console in the cabin bleeped a warning. Someone had beamed in nearby. He'd set the console to alert him against uninvited surprise guests. Old friends and acquaintances, reporters, even _Voyager _crewmembers were unwanted if unannounced. He checked the console. The beam in was close, intentionally looking for him. He sighed and rubbed his neck. Something told him a visitor wouldn't bee too bad. He pulled a second tea cup from the rack above the counter and placed a cube of sugar in the bottom. _On second thought..._ that same feeling made him remove it. He grabbed the fresh pastry he'd baked the night before and met his guest on the front step.

She was breathing raggedly, looked as though she had cried that morning at some point, though any trace of tears were gone.

Chakotay nearly dropped the tea cups and pastry tray as Kathryn's head hit his chest. He gingerly set them on the rail and wrapped his arms around her. She'd never hugged him, not really. Even B'Elanna has hugged him on occasion. He felt fear and loneliness from her and knew she was fighting more tears.

"Dammit." She muttered.

He smiled. "Let it happen. You'll be stronger for it." He felt her cheeks move and imagined his Captain's smirk. He rested a hand on her back to help steady her and noticed how long her hair had gotten since he'd seen her. Not as long as it had been in _Voyager's _early days... but it was getting there. He allowed himself to gather it slightly and let go as he rubbed his hand down her back and stepped away. "What have they done to you?" His whisper cracked as he studied her face.

She shook her head. "I can't talk yet." Her voice cracked too. She hadn't intended to throw herself in his arms, she had even decided against a hug. It had happened without her consent. She shivered a little. The air was much cooler here in the valley than San Francisco's sunny shoreline.

He sighed thoughtfully and retreated inside for something to keep her warm. He found a soft blanket, hand made by someone from his father's tribe, he wished he knew who or had cared when it was passed to him. She had settled onto the rocking chair, a bit of the pastry in her hand.

"Did you make this?" She smiled softly. "It's amazing."

"I used to be quite the chef."

"You've said." She grinned at him as he wrapped the blanket over her shoulders. "Maybe a bit more?"

He smiled wide at that and cut her a large piece. "Do you want a napkin?"

"No, I think I'll lick it." She laughed softly. "How are you, Chakotay?"

He detected a hint of pleading in her voice. She needed to not talk about her past months. "Well. Rested." He stared at her. He couldn't not know what had been going on in her world while he kicked back in the woods.

"I saw Miral Paris this morning." She offered.

His smile was on his face only. "She's a pretty little baby, isn't she?"

"I haven't seen her since the inquiries began. I haven't seen anyone."

He was startled. "By order?"

"No." She shook her head firmly. "There have been no charges, and such an order would have been unacceptable. No time." She stared out at the fire pit. "Did you build all of this?"

"Kathryn..." Now he was pleading.

"I can't..."

"Tell me at least how you came to be here this morning."

She nodded. "I've been declared officially and temporarily unfit to undergo further mental distress."

He pulled back a bit from where he'd been standing and settled against the rail. "By who?"

"Myself." She frowned at the crumbs on her fingers before licking them off. "Actually, the Doctor did. I requested a psych evaluation and the results allowed me a break for a few weeks."

"So you came here." He didn't want to push her, but her resolve had always been tremendously strong. To want a break, to need a break was not like Kathryn Janeway. "What did they do, Kathryn?" He knelt down in front of her. "You've been tortured, beaten, lost, burned... what could a few Admirals in a procedural setting have done?"

She instinctively pulled her knees up, the loose pants falling around her like a flowing skirt. "It's just... I relive everything... for hours."

"Statistics, coordinates?" He knew the hearings couldn't be that rigid. There had to be logs, information, numbers...

"I've listened to every report I've recorded, every decision I've made. Every unsent letter to parents and children and wives and husbands of crew who have died. The torture, the burns, the pain I've gone through?" She gasped to catch her breath.

He nodded for her to continue.

"Seven years of horrible memories and terrible moments have been in my dreams for six months. I've had to explain my feelings and emotional stability after receiving Mark's letter, after carrying Kes through that damned shrine, after almost losing you..." She gasped again. "Oh God, Chakotay, I can't do it anymore!"

He grabbed her shoulders firmly. He still couldn't imagine how bad it had to be to break her down, but here she was. "Tea."

"What?" She choked through a quiet sob.

"Tea. I have amazing tea. Kathryn, I'm sorry I pushed... I had to know."

She wiped the tears with a corner of the blanket and nodded firmly. "Tea."

He loosened his hand from her grip, not remembering when she had grabbed it. He took the tea cups and went to the kettle, afraid to look back at her. She was terrified, sleep deprived and distraught over things she'd done years in the past. "Talk to me some more." He called. "Where did you see Miral?"

"Admiral Paris' office." She managed.

He heard her step down the stairs and turned. The tears were gone and he could see how sunken her eyes were and truly how pale her already fair skin was.

She took the cup he held up. "He was babysitting."

"That can't be normal." He laughed softly. It wasn't in his heart though.

"Actually, it looked like she's there often. It's good for them. For Tom to get along with his father. He's a good man."

Chakotay nodded. "I remember a few harsh lectures from Admiral Paris when I was lieutenant aboard the _Mayweather._ He would contact our captain and not hold back. In front of the whole senior staff."

"Sounds like him." She sipped the steaming grey liquid. "It is good. Sweet."

"And with no sugar." He hesitated. He wanted badly to hold her, she still looked on edge despite the distraction. She needed to get it out, but he couldn't make her. He offered an arm instead.

She smiled at him, a pained, yet genuine smile. For so long she had to look away on mornings when he would come bouncing off the turbolift, chattering about some book he'd read or what B'Elanna, Tom and Harry had been up to. He looked good and she adored him. She never let herself wonder if she loved him. She fought the curiosity now. There were no rules between them here in the woods. There were no standards, appearances or ranks between them. She was still afraid to wonder. She took his arm lightly as he led her inside the warm little cabin.

"Do you need heat?" He dropped his arm and gestured vaguely as he asked.

"No, it's comfortable, thank you."

"You need sleep." He stated it frankly. "It doesn't look like much, but it's soft." He nodded to the mat.

"Not a question, huh?" She looked up at him and studied his face.

He smiled softly back at her. "You look unwell and certainly in need of rest. You're not going to get it anywhere else, it sounds, so you might as well take advantage of being here." He walked over to the mat, knelt beside it and busied himself arranging the few pillows and linens.

She knelt next to him and turned his face to her. "You're uncomfortable with me here, aren't you?"

"No..." He whispered. "No, I want you here... but..."

"7 years and you never struggled around me like this."

"New Earth was hard." He corrected softly.

"True..."She eased the word out carefully.

He turned to sit cross-legged on the mat and waited for her to sit across from him. "I had to see you every day. I had to watch you, totally alone, every day. I had to see you officiate weddings and greet new babies and watch as families started on the ship while your fiance wrote you about the new woman." He was unintentionally harsh about it, but noticed she seemed untouched at the mention of Mark. "Did you ever once want to not go alone into your dark quarters or sit alone at the table while couples wandered in and out?"

"Of course I wanted someone, but it wasn't possible." She shifted her eyes to her hands and had to stop herself from wringing them.

"No... but I had to sit beside you every single day knowing I couldn't even want to be with you."

"I know." She surprised herself with the sudden answer, but refused to look at him.

"For seven years I did struggle around you... Kathryn." He purposefully said her name. It was just above a soft whisper "Why did you come here?"

Kathryn swallowed and forced herself to look into his eyes. "Why? Because you were the only one who would really want me here."


	3. Chapter 2:Little Sleep, a Little Slumber

Chapter Two: A Little Sleep, a Little Slumber

Chakotay sat beside Kathryn for hours while she slept. He expected their conversation to had made sleep even more elusive for her, but her breathing had relaxed almost as soon as she laid down. He was getting restless and didn't want to lay down beside her without her knowing it. Instead he left the cabin. Air would clear his mind, and his heart.

She hadn't expressed love for him, but she had a need for him and a longing he could identify with. He couldn't fault her for holding back or for not loving him back, though he was more certain now than ever that she loved him deeply.

He climbed a small rocky hill that overlooked the valley where his cabin was nestled. He could see the smoke from the outside fire. He had added wood to it before venturing out and now the dark smoke circled high above the canopy of knotty pines. He rubbed his neck and took a breath of air. He loved her more than he'd loved anyone before. He'd known that for a few years. However, since Seska he had a difficult time letting anyone love him. Their feelings were never real, they always had a motive and he always ended up hurt. Seska was truly special to him and their entire relationship had been a lie. When he realized his feelings for Kathryn were not simply attraction, the thought stabbed at his heart. He couldn't have her. He wasn't allowed. Cruel be it of fate to throw him with perhaps the only woman meant for him and put a permanent line between them. He squat down on the rock to get a look at the cabin porch. _She must still be sleeping_...

. . . . .

Kathryn rolled over and let her eyes adjust to the near darkness of the room. She could see a small wooden wall and the legs of a chair... a table? A desk? Where was she? It came back as the images in the room cleared. A small old style electric lantern was set in the center of the table illuminating the room softly. Just enough for her to move around. She got to her feet and tried to figure out how long she'd slept. There were not aches and pains of a short, restless sleep and no memories of dreams though the tangle of blanket and sheet told her she had some. Not remembering was fine with her. She had half expected to lose Chakotay in some fiery ball of disaster this time around. She shook it off. _Chakotay_? She fought a panicked feeling. It was unrealistic and uncharacteristic of her to feel worried about where another adult was in a perfectly normal environment. She blamed the hearings for that. Her emotional stability was definitely off and her psychological well being was skewed at best. She searched quickly for a light and soon found a portable one. The sun had just set and dusk was fast turning into dark. The woods would be pitch black.

She stepped out of the cabin and looked around by the fire. It was blazing bright. He'd been nearby recently. She wasn't off the porch yet when she heard light steps crunching through leaves in the woods. "Chakotay?" She whispered loudly.

"It's me." He responded softly. He appeared through a break in the bushes and into her beam of light.

She turned it off as he shielded his eyes from the harsh light. "Sorry."

"Are you okay?"

She hadn't pushed the panic away has successfully as she had thought. "Yes. I didn't know where you'd gone."

He smiled and closed the gap between them in a few steps. "Did you sleep alright?"

"I did, actually." She returned the smile. She actually felt rested.

"It was the tea."

"What was _in_ that tea?"

He laughed. "It's a mixture of potent herbs that encourage relaxation. I drink it every morning."

"_Herbs_?"

"Hah!" He grinned at her concern. "Trustworthy ones. I wasn't going to drug you to get you to rest."

She smiled sheepishly. "Living on the wild side changes people. You never know."

He nodded inside and followed her, calling the lights up from the computer and pausing dramatically. "Wild side, indeed."

"It is posh, comparatively." She agreed.

"Now that you've rested, I'd like to talk further." He pulled out a cutting board and a bowl of vegetables, half of them she couldn't identify.

She sat on a stool across from him. "About...?"

"Us." He had put some thought into it and had decided that they needed to if she was going to spend her leave with him.

She took a knife from the edge of the counter and a vegetable from his bowl and started peeling it.

He eyed her. "_You_ can't cook."

"I can peel." She stabbed the knife into the air between them and falling silent as she went back to her peeling. After a long break and a few vegetables later she breathed out softly, "what about us?"

"Kathryn, I...I love you. I've loved you for so long and so hard it hurts. Sometimes I can't even take a breath when I think about you, it catches in my chest and it's painful. There were times aboard _Voyager_ I couldn't speak to you because I knew I would never get to speak what I needed to. There were times when you were hurt and I wanted to pull you into my arms and hold you safe and still. Tonight I want to go down to Starfleet and tear every one of them limb from limb for so much as causing the smallest of stress." It was a rush of words that came out agonizingly slow. Sweat had soaked his neck and his hands were trembling.

She had stopped peeling and for the first time was thinking about the them that never could be on _Voyager. _The them that nearly happened on New Earth. The them that threatened to reveal it's potential at times when another man stepped into her life and his jealousy shown through. She had deliberately ignored those times. "I don't know..." she started anxiously, setting her knife down and staring at the half peeled mushroom looking turnip in her hand. "I don't know if I can even think about it with everything going on."

"It's a good diversion." He mumbled softly, thinking back over his words. Had he been careful enough? Too forward or blunt?

"Yes." She conceded. "A diversion..." She stood and went to the door.

"Don't go." He choked.

"I don't know if I can stay."

"I... need you."

"I need you too." She gasped. She had her hand on the door, ready to push it open, but couldn't. She couldn't move and couldn't breathe. Their friendship had just ended. Something else could take it's place and it was now up to her as to what that was. "That's the problem."

"It doesn't have to be." He knew better, but he left the food on the counter and walked over to stand behind her. "I want you to stay with me. I want you to help me figure us out. We could never really be friends with the rules gone, the walls lowered. I couldn't. I followed rules on _Voyager_, but here you had to know my heart." Her total stillness and silence bothered him. "Please... Kathryn, look at me."

She turned slowly and was surprised at how close he was standing. "My mind is not where it should be to know what to do or say." she whispered honestly.

"You're raw and vulnerable. It's exactly right for this. My heart aches for you, my arms need to hold you, I need to feel you against me. I need to love you. I have for a long, long time." He was in tears now, holding his breath and waiting for her.

She was staring into his eyes. She _had_ loved him. She knew it was there, but she had kept pushing away. Maybe he was right and vulnerable was the only time she'd ever know. She shifted to the wall, trying to avoid the urge to kiss him.

"Kathryn...?" He begged for a response, for any acknowledgement.

"I..." She felt hot tears hit her cheeks. They were his, he was still close enough to kiss. "I do love you."

He could hardly hear the words, but he saw the way her mouth spoke them. He stayed silent and still, watching her eyes dart around the room as though looking for an escape. "Stay with me..."

"Chakotay...?" She asked, her own tears stinging her eyes. "The last man I let this far in broke my heart."

"I know. I'm not him." He boldly pulled her the rest of the way against him and breathed easier feeling her body relax.

She gripped the front of his shirt with both hands. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. None of the inquiries, hearings and the emotional trauma was important now. She lifted her chin to look at him.

His mouth met hers softly at first, than with more pressure and a deliberate passion.

"Cha-" she managed to breathe.

"Kathryn." He whispered against her lips. "Please stay... please be here with me. Let someone take care of you for a change." He had pulled just out of her reach to look into her eyes.

She opened her eyes to see his deep dark ones. There was so much fear, love, concern in them. She swallowed the building lump. "I don't know how." She admitted.

He smiled gently and pulled her away from the door, leaning her against the arm of the couch. "Just let me..."

"Let you..." She repeated slowly.

He kissed her cheek and pressed his temple against her neck. "I won't push you, but I want you to let go."

She sat still, he was standing in front of her against the couch, making her just slightly taller than usual on him. When he pulled his face back their eyes were almost level. "Be my Kathryn."

She put an arm around his neck and pulled him against her again. She could hear his heart beating as her head rested on his shoulder. His breath was on her neck, strong, but short.

"Okay." She let go.

He leaned further against her and both fell softly onto the couch behind her, they fit perfectly beside each other there and he stroked her hair. "I've always liked it longer."

"I know." She tried to smile, but nerves were still in the way. "It's been so long since anyone has felt like this."

"For me too." He responded moving his fingers from her hair to brush the light shirt she still had on. It moved easily under his fingers and his heart skipped ahead of himself.

She had her hand on his waist and twisted his gray tunic between her fingers anxiously. She felt a little feverish as he ran his fingers down from her shoulder to the fingers that twisted his shirt all the tighter. "What now?" She spoke for desperate need to hear more of him.

"Whatever you want." He was sincere. He wouldn't do anything more or less than she wanted.

There was another moment, another need to escape and his mouth had engulfed hers again. He stood and lifted her in a single motion.

She gripped his neck and wrestled down feelings of guilt, letting his love fill her.

He laid her on the mat and pushed away blankets. The lights cast long shadows over them as he laid over her studying her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I think I will be." She whispered back, closing her eyes and holding his shoulders as he kissed her neck and down to where her shirt hid skin.

"I love you so much." His cheeks were wet again with tears and Kathryn was happy to see such honest feeling. It's something she never saw from Mark. Weakness in his love.

She nodded, not sure of what, but willing. To love, to follow, to be his.


	4. Chapter 3: Enter: Real Life

Chapter Three: Enter: Real Life

Morning dawned and the threat of storm hung over the little cabin in the valley. Kathryn was up long before Chakotay and had found her bag, still sitting next to the porch steps from the morning before. She had changed into a loose sweater and skirt and felt a bit like a prairie girl as she fried vegetables over the fireplace fire. The smell was amazing, though she was doubtful it would taste nearly as good as it smelled. Cooking was far from her scientific mind.

Nothing felt quite the same since she had woken. Chakotay's body pressed up against hers was very different. She thought she liked it, but she needed to be up and moving, to know what all this meant for her-their future. He was still laying naked beneath a thin blanket. The look was attractive, and she kept looking.

"You're going to burn the food."

She jumped at his voice. And noted his eyes were still closed. "I am not." She had turned to study her frying pan.

"You keep looking... it's impolite."

She looked back over her shoulder to see he was on his side, resting his head against his arm.

"Well, it's hard after last night."

"To not look?" He grinned and got up, quickly changing in the damp, chilly morning air. He slipped a pair of soft shoes on and leaned out the door for a few pieces of wood. He came behind her and held her arm as he slid the wood onto the fire. "It's wet, it may pop for a bit."

"I'll be careful." She insisted.

He let her arm go and kissed her cheek. "Are you still okay?"

"Oh, yes." She responded, much more confident than she had felt about anything in some time.

"When do you go back?" He asked carefully.

"I have to keep Admiral Paris and the Doctor updated, but they're both to evaluate me every few days. It didn't sound like the rest of the panel was willing to go along with Admiral Paris. He told me he had to fight them and we needed to go ahead carefully. I don't think they trust that he isn't trying to protect me."

Chakotay sighed softly. "I want to go with you, for the evaluations, for every inquiry left."

"I don't know..." She trailed her words, trying to think why it would be inappropriate.

"They've abused their powers, they've hurt you. Let me come as a friend, they can't deny you support after a negative resulting psychological evaluation. Claim emotional support. I was your second in command for seven years, that has to count for something."

"Stability." She agreed. "Okay, I can't say they'll go along with it, but you can if doesn't cause a problem among them."

He was quiet, watching her push the vegetables around in the pan with a spoon. "Do you want me there?"

"Yes." She responded immediately. She set the pan down on the high stone hearth and leaned against a stool. "I don't like the idea of you seeing me like that though."

"I would understand what you're going through better." He offered hopefully. "It would help me take care of you to know what you are facing."

"Will you stay in San Francisco with me while they finish up?"

"Of course." He ran his hand on her cheek and nodded. "I don't want to leave your side through this. Do they expect it to go much longer?"

"I still have to answer to several points regarding decisions Admiral Janeway made and how I'd handle each one differently knowing now the mistakes she made. After that there are two more individual hearings and questions... from start to finish. All seven years. It could be two months or more judging by how long the last 5 hearings have taken."

It looked to Chakotay like the weight had returned to Kathryn as she thought of two more rounds of this nightmare. "I will be there for all of it." He assured her softly. "If they don't let me stay, I'll wait in the hall to comfort you, I'll hold you through the dreams at night. I'll be there."

. . . . .

Her first few days up, Kathryn stepped into a private room at Starfleet Medical where Admiral Paris and The Doctor were waiting. Both were surprised to see Chakotay come in behind her and sit quietly in the corner.

"Is this okay?" She asked, motioning to Chakotay.

"It's not usual in psych evaluations." Admiral Paris started slowly, but there's nothing saying he can't stay." He nodded to Chakotay, using his new rank as he did, "Captain."

"Where have you been spending leave, and why the choice?" The Doctor started with a line of standard follow up questions and continued with cross comparative questions.

When he had finished, Admiral Paris finished with specific questions and prompts relating to the hearing and inquiries. "Well," Paris sighed, a hint of disappointment in his voice. "_I _see nothing to keep you away from the hearings for any longer. I was hoping to get you more rest, but I can't work with this. they won't hear it. And to be honest, you look good."

The Doctor quietly nodded his agreement.

Kathryn sighed. "I'd prefer to get going and finished anyway, Admiral. I did get rest. The woods work wonders." She glanced back at Chakotay who offered her a weak smile in support.

Paris nodded grimly. "I'll inform the board. It may be another day or two to get organized again. We were expecting a longer break in proceedings."

. . . .

The night seemed to go on forever and Kathryn was painfully aware of every moment she lay looking out the window up at the dim stars. The city around her was too bright to see much more than a handful of them, but they were there, watching her. Worlds and worlds away, many so much farther out that even she had been. She turned to look at Chakotay, sleeping soundly beside her. she wondered if he ever had a restless night. She pulled the sheet up to her neck and watched him breathing. He looked so strong and steady and he was hers now. A peace filled her, the first confirmation that staying in his cabin that first night had been the right path for them. She shifted slowly to move closer to him and stiffened when he stirred. At lease one of them should rest and she didn't want to cause him to lose sleep too. She didn't breathe until she was satisfied he'd settled back into a deeper sleep. This time she moved just her head to tuck it under his chin, against his neck. His arm moved to pull her close, instinctively perhaps, there was no sign of him waking.

By morning, Kathryn's whole body was aching from laying still all night without sleep, but she was glad for the comfort. It at least gave her some rest. She slipped out from under his arm and headed for the shower, not looking back for fear of having woken him. Sounds from her little kitchen on the other side of the sonic shower wall told her he was up. She felt a little guilty for disturbing his rest so early, but the smell that came from the kitchen moments later eased the feelings. He was preparing some tasty breakfast for them. She dressed quickly and headed for the kitchen.

"Good morning, Kathryn." His cheerful grin lifted her mood even more as he handed her a plate, steaming with a cheesy potato and cheese breakfast casserole and tiny hot cakes drowning in syrup and powdered sugar. "I recommend skipping the coffee for something gentler on the stomach, but it's up to you." He added gently.

She grimaced at the idea of starting the day without her usual bottomless cup of deep black steaming coffee. "I'll give skipping it a try, but I want some at lunch."

He smiled. "You'll thank me later."

They sat in silence through breakfast and he made her a small cup of tea for their walk to Starfleet Headquarters.

Chakotay wasn't prepared for how quickly she had become withdrawn. He didn't know what to say or do as he clasped his hands behind his back and slowly walked beside her. He felt like they were on a death march in one of the old American War movies Tom would feature for the crew.

Kathryn paused in the entryway of one of the court buildings on Headquarter's property. "We're here." She stated needlessly.

He pried the cup from the iron grip that had tightened against it. "Twice more over and that's all, my Kathryn." He whispered firmly.

She smiled sideways at him. "You make it sound so easy."

He took a step, prompting her to continue on. "Look how quickly you've come back from five in a row. Two will be over soon and we'll be back to real life."

She followed him, not as confident as she hoped having him by her side would make her feel. "Okay... real life."

He nodded and placed his hand on her arm to encourage the forward motion further. "You can do this. I've planned dinner with a few friends for tonight to help get through the first day." He paused. "Let me know if you think you can't see people after this.

She smiled. "I would like to see some old friends."

They'd reached her assigned hearing room and she knocked on the side door softly.

"Captain Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway?" A young Bajoran ensign with a high pitched squeak to his voice asked as the door swung open. He was holding a clip board and dressed in his absolute best, fresh from the Academy way.

She nodded. "Yes, Ensign... Rokke? Are they ready?"

He smiled and nodded at her recall of his name. "Yes, Sir, they are. You may go in and take a seat to your left. Your friend will have to remain with me behind the window." He pointed in through the side door he'd come from. A large pane of glass stood at the far wall and the hearing room was visible beyond it.

"Will I be able to hear everything?" Chakotay asked.

Ensign Rokke tipped his head in neither a nod or a shake. "You'll enter your information. Your clearance levels will determine what comes through the system for you to hear. If you please, they're waiting." He addressed Kathryn with the last part.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn, a surge of concern for her. "I'll be right here, I'll be able to see you the whole time." He whispered softly, hoping it would be enough to give her more strength.

She didn't speak, didn't look up at him. A weak twitch of her lips, a failed smile confirmed she heard him.

He squeezed her arm and watched as she walked through the doors, whisking shut behind her and keeping him from her.

"...Sir?" The Ensign hesitated at addressing Chakotay.

"Commander Chakotay." He answered out of habit, but left it at that.

The Ensign stiffened again, obviously having been unaware that this wasn't just a civilian trailing behind the condemned. He motioned him in and offered him water as Chakotay keyed his access codes into the computer.

"93% of Hearing Number 4000342D is open for your classification levels. Captain Kathryn E. Janeway, reporting on Mission: 98888. Remain seated and silent during deliberations." The computer chirped back smartly.

Chakotay's head spun at the number's assigned. To him it was all one long mission, to all of them the only mission was to go home.

The room on the other side of the glass was starting to come to life. Some of the Admirals present were talking to Kathryn, no doubt enquiring about her psychological condition. Admiral Paris was standing behind her, looking like a Papa Bear ready to tear a vulture apart. It comforted Chakotay to see at least one person in that room on her side.

"Commander?" The Ensign interrupted his thoughts. "The computer instructions are strictly protocol. Since we're not able to be heard in the chamber, you may move about freely and leave if you so desire."

"Thank you, Ensign." Chakotay acknowledged. He had no intention of budging until Kathryn left that room.

. . . .

"First order of business!" A large, well decorated Admiral stood at the center seat of a long table. Everyone immediately quieted and took their seats. He looked directly at Kathryn as he spoke. "Thank you for returning promptly, I see a short rest has done you well." He motioned to a PADD set before him, no doubt containing the Doctor and Admiral Paris' reports.

Kathryn was the only other one left standing, her hands clasped tightly behind her, hair twisted in a bun, dress uniform neatly pressed and hanging just below her waist. He legs were slightly apart and her body was stiff at attention to the Admiral. She simply nodded a response to him.

"We're glad to hear it, Captain. We're not your enemy." He assured her more softly.

"I am aware of that, Admiral. It seems to me that neither are you on my side." She hadn't intended a snarky response, but the truth slipped out anyway.

He grimaced, but consented with a nod. "The things we're discussing MUST be addressed. If it's ignored we fail to uphold our rules and laws for future officers."

"I do agree, Sir." She responded.

"Very well, at ease, Captain." He waved her to sit and he did as well. "Before your leave we had finished all discussions leading up to your encounter with _Admiral Janeway_. As a short recap, you all know according to the Captain's own logs, many years into the future a than _Admiral_ Janeway gained possession of a ship able to travel into the past. Her intent was to bring the _Voyager_ back to the Alpha Quadrant a decade before it was supposed to. She destroyed the timeline as it was known to her, violated the Prime Directive at a multitude of points in time, redirected her history and enabled our Captain Janeway to use the Borg Transwarp Conduits to bring the ship home. No blame, obviously is to be placed on you for the Admiral's decisions, however a few things need to be addressed." He had turned from the rest of the room to face Kathryn again. "Was this woman indeed you, 20-something years in your future?"

"I believe she was."

"And do you believe if her mission had failed and 20 years from now you were given the same option, would you repeat her decisions?"

"I do not know."

"But you agree, she's you?" Another Admiral repeated.

"Sir, with all due respect, there is no way to know that I would repeat her movements." Kathryn pivoted to face the second Admiral. "If her mission had failed, I would still have knowledge she didn't for those 20 years. I may or may not have."

Satisfied, both Admirals moved on.

"How do you feel about her decision?" The first was studying his PADD again as he spoke. "Details would be appreciated." His eyes shifted to fix on her a moment before continuing his silent reading.

"I had and continue to have mixed feelings about it. I fought her terribly. I wouldn't afterall have made such a decision as it stood six months ago when she confronted me with the information needed to get us home. I was disappointed to realize that it was a future me and I did indeed make such decisions, violated direct orders, involved friends I had no business dragging into it."

"Yes, the Admiral used connections with _Voyager's_ EMH, Lieutenant Barclay, and a Miral Paris to achieve her result of returning to a time in _Voyager's _history that would have the most likely positive outcome." He set the PADD down.

"Is there a question?" Kathryn leaned forward onto the banister in front of her.

"I suppose not, but if you have anything to add..?" He motioned for her to continue.

"Not really, Sir. As I said I was dissapointed. I am very glad we're here, I'm relieved to know there isn't another ten or so years between us and home, I'm glad to have support." With that she glanced at the glass pane. She couldn't see through it with the chamber's bright lights reflecting off of it, but she knew Chakotay was looking back at her.

"Very well than -"

Admiral Paris stood. "One prompt, Eric." His informal address made the first Admiral raise an eyebrow. "Owen?"

"Captain Janeway... knowing now the decisions she made, the outcome, the loss, and the life returned to you and your crew, would you make the same or similar decision?"

Kathryn fell silent. "Sitting where I sit now... no. Admiral Janeway went through a lot more loss and difficulties in the length of trip I didn't have to travel. She lost several close friends which eventually drove her to return to my time, 6 months ago to avoid that pain. Those people are consequently still alive. I've had a drastically different timeline play out than she already. I fully believe the painful way in which she lost those people directly lended to the final decision to come back."

Admiral Paris nodded and sat.

"Thank you." The first Admiral smiled slightly at Pairs and advanced the notes on his PADD. "The procedures followed, the decisions made _after_ you received the information from a future time calls into question your current adherence to the Temporal Prime Directive, which requires you to not interfere in other timelines. Generally only the past is adversely affected, and it demands you not traverse to the future in order to steer history, but similarly there's a problem with you acting on information received from a future point that directs your decisions and movements. Do you have a comment on this?"

"I do, Sir." Kathryn gathered thoughts and leaned back again. "The Admiral came to me with information that would get my crew home. Originally a very limited information was provided, only enough to make the modifications to _Voyager_ required to navigate the conduits. Bits of information did continue to come out in our discussions, its difficult for it not to. But now i have in my hand the resources to both cripple the Borg Queen and a large part of the collective-arguably the biggest threat to us- and to get my people home to their families. What would you do, Sir?"

He furrowed his brow. "This is not about me."

Admiral Paris interjected cautiously. "I'd argue this is about all of us. Could each of us refuse to act now knowing how to proceed? Would that cause a further issue of inaction? And if than she does not act and loses those officers, their blood is on her hands for a whole different reason."

"Noted, Paris, please refrain from further prompts on this subject."

Paris sighed and nodded.

The first again fixed his eyes on Kathryn. "Do you agree with that?"

"Yes, Sir. Once anyone has that information it's too late and an action one way or another is required and to be answered for, obviously." She motioned absently around her at the Admiral's present. "I'd also like to add that not acting also leaves me with my future self and countless further conversations that would inadvertently expose more information of the future that I would each time need to choose to use and act on or ignore."

"Each of those deaths, for example?"

"Yes, Sir." She nodded thinking about losing both Seven and Chakotay in a short time."

"Thank you." The Admiral proceeded to ask detail and justification for several more incidents individually that happened between Admiral Janeway's arrival and their emerging from the Transwarp conduit. After four hours of a comparatively easy round of questions, the panel was satisfied and the next would begin after a short break.


	5. Chapter 4: We Can't Go Home

Chapter Four: We Can't Go Home

It wasn't bad at all. Perhaps being more recent too, it's less..." Kathryn trailed off looking for a word.

"Less like pulling up buried painful memories?" Chakotay offered.

"Yeah. Plus I've slept a few nights this week." She smiled at him.

The cafeteria setting around them was bustling with Headquarters personnel of every rank and species imaginable. Chakotay stared around him, poking at his brightly colored salad absently. He hadn't been in a Headquarters building since before he was a lieutenant in his previous round with Starfleet. He had no memory of it.

"Are you going to eat?"

He looked down and speared a slice of orange from the top of the salad and smiled softly. "Sorry, distracted I guess. I'm glad you finished yours." He pointed to her empty plate.

She smiled from behind her coffee cup. "It _is_ so much easier having someone here with me."

"Good." He reached over and held her hand. "Don't be afraid to request a short recess. Any time you just need to breathe, I'll be outside the chamber doors before you are."

"You're a good friend, Chakotay. You always have been good to me."

He grinned in response. Her voice and demeanor were very much his old Captain and he loved seeing her feeling more normal.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway, please report back to your assigned court room." The voice chirped over the building's comm system.

"Back to it, I suppose."

He took their plates back to the replicator and keyed the recycle button. "Total start over now?" He had his arm over her shoulder casually as they walked through the empty corridors. It was a Friday and he assumed the officers and staff stationed here were headed out to important meetings and social events. No one was at the door when the arrived back at the chamber. "Can you just go in?"

She nodded. "Into an actively begun session."

He turned her to him and kissed her cheek softly. "This will begin harder?"

"By far." She sighed and rested her hand on his chest for a moment, a motion she'd often used on _Voyager_ when looking for strength and comfort. "I've got this."

The wry smile and comment felt half hearted to him, but he returned it and touched her hand, holding it against his chest a bit longer before letting her slip back into the Court chamber.

A few of the previous panel of admirals had taken seats behind Kathryn's, and a whole new set of 5 sat at the long table. Two stood when she came in, offering her a nod and a smile. She recognized none of them. Admiral Paris was gone, he'd been absent from a few of the rounds already. she wondered if this was his choice, or the admirals who sat before her now.

A woman with long gray hair sitting in an assisted mobility chair motioned for everyone to sit. "Don't be so uneasy, Captain, I'm a casual woman with a lot of other fish to fry." Her deep southern accent came through as harsh, but her eyes were gentle. "Introduce us to your story... start wherever you'd like, we've reviewed what we need. No, start at the beginning, start at _Voyager_. What was it like to step foot on such a cutting edge beauty?"

Kathryn let a small smile break through at this Admiral's interest. "Breathtaking. The Intrepid Class, starship _Voyager. _I knew her registry after just the first time I saw it. _NCC-74656. _She was a fully equipped ship, ready for anything. She functions fueled by bio-neural-gel-packs, she has a variable geometric transwarp nacelles and can sustain warp _9.99875. _A gift, and she was mine."

The Admiral grinned. "My name is Mary Ann Kimball. You can call me Mary Ann anywhere but in these rooms. And I love your admiration of the ship. You respect your command and I needed to know that. Okay so, your close friend, a former teacher and apt science officer, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok was assigned an undercover mission on a Maquis ship. He was to ascertain certain unrelated information and deliver it to Starfleet. He boarded with Chakotay, a former Starfleet officer who had officially resigned his commission to fight with the renegade group. They went missing in the Badlands. Am I lacking any information here."

Kathryn shook her head. "No, but the report you have leading up to my assignment of tracking down the Maquis ship is the only information I was given as well. Until actually flying into the Badlands, I believe our information will be identical."

"Understood. Let's skip to there than. A lot of the logs and reports you filed your first few weeks are bare minimum. Why?"

"There was a lot happening. I believe my information on the Caretaker alien and his array is complete. However, we had enemies already just by appearing where they were fighting... different factions among themselves for different reasons."

"The Kazon?"

"Kazon..." Kathryn repeated slowly. "They fired on us every time we encountered them. Each faction was bent on taking _Voyager_ and having an advantage over each other. We lost crewmembers to them. One joined them. Seska, whom we had believed to be a Bajoran woman was actually an undercover Cardassian."

"Also from the Maquis ship?"

"Correct."

"We're skipping ahead." Another Admiral growled.

"I asked why there is so much missing from her reports, after I have my answer we will continue in order." She barked back and softened when she turned to Kathryn.

"We boarded and integrated the Maquis crew with the Voyager crew, which took a lot of time and energy and patience. Both crews had difficulty accepting their places among each other and working with each other. We also added two others, local to the region, a Talaxian named Neelix, whom you'll know as our Ambassador to the Delta Quadrant, and an Ocampa - rescued from the surface of her homeworld - named Kes. All this was in the midst of attacks, trying to chart the first part of our voyage home and dealing with the loss of life we experienced in those first weeks."

Admiral Kimball nodded thoughtfully. "The integration of the crew would interest me greatly, but it is not an issue to answer for. I do however, think it important to know why you merged the two crews at all."

"Destroying the Caretaker's array, in order to protect the Ocampa, required firing at a specific point. We were unable to accomplish this, so Commander Chakotay took his Maquis ship in and crashed it at the right point on the array to destroy it. We transported him back aboard _Voyager_ immediately before the impact. This now meant the Maquis were stuck with us and for our situation at the time, holding an entire crew in our Brig or confining them to quarters was neither possible, nor wise. We needed everyone. Chakotay and I agreed I would Captain _Voyager_ and name him first officer. The entire crew would report to him, which immediately equalized them among each other. Starfleet and Maquis answered to Chakotay, he answered to me. You would know, I'm sure, it's not that simple, but we abided by the principle nonetheless and it wasn't long before we were all operating as one Starfleet crew."

"Thank you, I'd like to hear further perhaps, at another time." She smiled and nodded to the other Admirals. "The floor is open to question this section of the reports."

The gruff, angry Admiral stood to indicate his desire to speak, but he remained silent and stared at Kathryn for a long time. "I like you as an officer, but you don't like following rules, do you?"

"I follow the rules almost too well, Sir." Kathryn countered a bit defensively. "There were many decisions to make over seven years that just didn't fit the rules. No one to come and help us uphold those rules when we're faced with ridiculous situations and impossible odds. Sacrificing ourselves was not an option."

He waved her off. "Excuses don't become you, Captain. I would have you court martialed and exiled for some of what I read, but that's not how most of my colleagues feel, so I must understand you the way they do, I suppose."

Kathryn tensed at his harshness. "Sir, I have made some unconventional, and unpopular decisions and believe me when I tell you I _have_ suffered for them. Not the least of all right here at the beginning. I chose to get involved in the dispute between the Kazon and the Ocampa. I believed we were involved by the Caretaker already and turning to run home would be a grievous inaction that would suffer unknown consequences. I alone made the final call to destroy the array, as the Caretaker alien requested we assist him in doing. Most aboard were unhappy with my decision, I stranded them there, I stranded us far from home, alone with an impossible trip ahead of us. Sir, I would do it again, because I believe we were meant to be there. We were brought there by the Caretaker and when his mission failed and he needed our help, I responded. I lived every day feeling the pain and isolation that decision caused us."

He growled something inaudible to Kathryn from across the chamber and sat.

She looked down at her shaky hands. She was a bit angry at the hatred in his eyes as he continued to glare at her. She was also getting tired. The small windows high up the Chamber walls indicated the sun had gone down and dusk had settled across the coast. She wondered briefly what time Chakotay wanted their friends together and if she'd be finished by then.

"It's late, we'll reconvene tomorrow morning for a partial session and you'll have the rest of the weekend to yourself. Check with Ensign Rokke on the way out for Chamber assignment and time. Goodnight." She powered her chair away from the table and the other Admirals began gathering their things and filing out a back door.

Kathryn sighed heavily and sat still looking at her hands for a long moment. They'd steadied some. The topics were far from difficult at this early point in t he narrative, but this group would prove to be difficult to talk to.

"May I have a moment more of your time?" The accent revealed Admiral Kimball before Kathryn looked up.

She smiled. "Thank you for going easy on me to start."

The Admiral gave a short tilt of her head. "Owen Paris told me you're back from a leave due to the psychological impacts of these hearings. That tells me we're too harsh in general."

Kathryn stood and stretched before sitting against the banister, still nearly eye level with the woman before her.

"I hope we continue to lend justice to how gentle or harsh we are from here on out. I don't intend to drag this out as long as the other panels. Captain's are out for months at a time and never questioned because any indiscretion on their part tend to be minor. Because we've not steady report from you, someone in all of their glorified power and wisdom decided to bring up each of those small things and combine them with big things and make a ... well thing out of it." She laughed. "I'm known for going off topic. I wanted to ask you if you remember me."

Kathryn studied her a long moment and turned the name over a few times. "No..." She answered, a feeling of familiarity hitting nonetheless.

"The Arias Expedition. I was lost to the Cardassians, but the Mission could not fail, so Owen Paris and Justin Tighe were ordered out with his crew. I was locked up beside you at the Cardassian Camp."

Memories of the mission came flooding back to her and she remembered watching through the bars of that cage as the Cardassians tortured a Starfleet commander across the cell block from her.

Admiral Kimball indicated the chair. "Cardassians are brutal. The best of Starfleet Medicine couldn't repair the nerve damage that damn Kul caused to my legs and back." Her eyes flashed anger at the memory, but only briefly.

Chakotay and Kathryn walked back to her apartment in silence. When they were nearly there he put a hand out to stop her.

"What?" She asked softly.

"I think it went smoothly today. What's on your mind?"

"The Admiral I was speaking to while you were waiting outside?"

"Yeah?"

"She was in the Cardassian camp when Admiral Paris and I were being held there. It's an eerie feeling, knowing what she went through. I guess it just hit me amidst all of this." She shivered and let him wrap his arm around her.

"Are you still up for guests?"

She nodded. "Yes, I could use the company of friends."

He pulled her along a bit, drawing a chuckle from her as they got to her apartment.

"Are they here already?"

"No, they shouldn't be for another hour nearly." He opened the door and led them in where she retreated to the bedroom for quiet and to change. Chakotay started up some appetizers and replicated some drinks while he waited for her.

Kathryn came out a little while later, in a long dress that reminded him a lot of New Earth. Her hair was down except for a bit gathered back to keep out of her eyes. "Did you need any help?"

"No, this is all me, you relax." He urged, kissing her softly and placing a glass of wine in her hand.

"I'm going to sit on the balcony and read a bit than."

"Sounds excellent. I'll come get you when they arrive."

She smiled and slipped out of the apartment with a blanket, her wine and an old book.

. . . .

Kathryn startled awake at Chakotay's touch.

"Kathryn, everyone's here. I've let you sleep for a bit, but it's getting cold out here." He was sitting on the edge of the porch recliner she was curled up in.

"Oh, how long was I asleep?" She sat and stretched, straightening her dress and squinting to make out his face in the light coming from the open door.

"Only an hour. Tom and B'Elanna have been here for a while, but the others just arrived."

She smiled and let him pull her to her feet.

He paused just before the door. "How much do you want them to know... about us?"

She was quiet for a moment, not really knowing. She tightened the grip on his hand and nodded at the door.

He smiled and led her inside, setting her wine glass on the counter as they past into the living room.

Tom and Harry were on the floor playing with baby Miral, who looked wide awake and happy, a baby cup gripped tight by her pudgy fingers as though her father or uncle would steal it away at the first opportunity. B'Elanna and Seven were standing near a table set with food, B'Elanna engrossed in some lengthy tale while Seven listened, mildly amused. Tuvok was standing in the kitchen where it looked like he had been talking to Chakotay before he had come to get her. The Doctor was entertaining himself looking over her bookshelf for anything of interest. They all looked over when Chakotay and Kathryn made it into the room.

Kathryn's smile was wide. "It's so good to see everyone."

"You too, Captain." Harry got up from the floor and hurried over, giving her a big smile and hug. "How are you?"

"Not too bad, right now." Kathryn answered with a grin.

B'Elanna and Tom were right behind Harry to greet her and Seven approached somewhat stiffly.

"Seven, how are you adjusting to Earth?" Kathryn put a hand on Seven's arm.

She forced a bit of a smile. "I am... adjusting. Have you been well?"

Kathryn appreciated Seven's attempts and offered some honesty in return. "I haven't been, but I am doing much better. I've missed our talks and time together."

Seven nodded. "As have I, they were always a welcome part of my day."

The corner of Kathryn's mouth turned up in a crooked smile and she then turned to B'Elanna. "I want to hold that baby."

B'Elanna passed her over and crossed her arms, watching closely as her former Captain played with her daughter.

Miral instantly went for hair, teeth, nose, eyes, anything she might be able to poke, twist or pull.

Kathryn returned each gesture with a quiet sound or expression that only delighted Miral and urged her forward on her poking and playing.

Tuvok had come up beside Kathryn while she'd been distracted with the baby and she was startled to realize he was standing right there.

"Hello, old friend." He spoke soft and strong.

She shifted the squirming baby to her hip and smiled awkwardly at him. "Tuvok, how are you?"

"I am well, Captain."

"Have you been on Vulcan?"

He shook his head. "My wife and two of my children have been here on Earth with me. I've returned to teaching at the Academy."

"The elder two?" She inquired of the two children who would be out of his home by now anyway.

"One has joined the Vulcan Science Counsel and is serving on Vulcan, wed to his betrothed with a child on the way. The other is an ensign aboard a space station near the Romulan Neutral Zone."

"You must be proud." She smiled at his conceding nod. "I'm glad you came tonight."

"As am I." He agreed. "I have heard some of what they have put you through with the hearings. I am sorry I haven not been here to support you."

She bit her lip and looked away a moment. She caught B'Elanna's eye and passed Miral back to her mother. "Tuvok, it has been difficult, but there isn't anything you can do."

He placed his hand on her shoulder firmly. "I can be here now."

"Thank you, Tuvok." She smiled up at him and squeezed his hand back.

The Doctor had come over and took the opportunity to pull her away from the crowd for a moment. "Admiral Paris has asked that I keep in touch with you and monitor how you're doing through the remainder of the proceedings."

"Wise, I'm sure. I will update you regularly." She nodded, looking around distractedly. "I've missed everyone."

He grinned. "Enjoy the night, Captain."

. . . .

The night ticked well into early morning before the last of them had drifted to their homes leaving just Kathryn and Chakotay. She was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor next to it, staring out the large window across from them.

"Did you have a good time?" He asked in a hoarse whisper. He cleared his throat and turned his head to lay against her waist.

Her eyes were closed, but her mouth turned up in a small smile. "It was very nice, thank you."

"I'm sorry you won't get much rest tonight though."

Her eyes opened and traveled down the couch to where they met his. "Oh, but I haven't been, so it's alright."

"Well, let's get you to bed so you get _some_ sleep at least." He stood and took her hands, pulling her to her feet.

She tucked her arm under his and around his back. "Sounds good to me."


	6. Chapter 5: Captain Who?

Chapter Five: Captain Who

The last of the hearings were proving to be the most difficult. Kathryn was grateful to have Chakotay stay with her through the remaining weeks of it. Yet another morning came and Kathryn found herself alone in the assigned court chamber having arrived much earlier than the admirals on this last panel.

"Kathryn Janeway. I remember when you were but a child, coming to visit your father when he was assigned a desk in an office not 50 meters from where you're standing now." The voice was ghostly thin, but had a commanding presence.

She turned and studied the old man before her. The uniform, highly decorated with medals and awards of every kind, hung loose from his sagging shoulders, but he stood upright. "Mr. President." She nodded respectfully to him, though she did not recognize who this particular President of the Board of Directors for Starfleet was. He ranked as high as one individual could get in Starfleet and served also as liaison between Starfleet and the Federation.

"You don't remember me?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, no." She shook her head slightly.

"Eh, no matter. You were 6... maybe 7 years old last I saw you face to face. When I heard you and _Voyager _were lost I was thankful your father was not alive. He would have commandeered a ship and gone off on some foolhardy mission to save you himself." He sighed. "You've got his attitude, you know. His ideals and his... justifications."

"Did you know him well?" She asked, momentarily feeling the burn of her father's early death.

"Well enough. We spent many lunches walking the Academy grounds and discussing the politics of the day. He made Admiral two weeks before I and behaved has though it was his lot to guide me along his way of thinking. Damn old man that he was." He laughed, eliciting a fit of raspy coughs. Clearing his throat he continued more calmly. "We were friends until he died."

She nodded. Her father had a good many friends in Starfleet. All of them he'd count among his closest. He remembered every one of their families, their children's names, ages, interests. They were always hosting someone new for dinner on their old homestead and always entertaining others that Kathryn knew well. "Thank you for introducing yourself, I'm glad to have met you." She smiled.

He faced the table and she slowly turned to do the same. He indicated the empty seats. "You're not merely just early, they aren't coming. Your name has been cleared of all wrongdoing, your record is clean, it has been decided by the panels before this that there is no need for further investigations or to press any charges. You've acted in the best interest of your crew and Starfleet in most every circumstance, and when the situations were dire, you chose the course that would provide the best possible outcome for all parties, even if it meant breaking a few rules. It's what we need in more of our captains. Those same Admirals, however, still deny you a command of your own. They feel your use as Captain has been spent and your day is done." His eyes sparkled and his mouth was twisted in a sad smile. "Many of us at Headquarters do not agree, but it is not our decision. You will not, however be stripped of current rank as there are several options ahead of you and the path you choose is yours alone. You can retire in honor as a decorated Captain and follow whatever path outside of Starfleet you so desire, I'm sure the Federation Science Division would love to have you... the zenobiologists there as well, you hold a wealth of exciting tales of far off species." He paused and looked at her. "Losing you to retirement is my least favorite option."

She smirked and clasped her hands behind her back. "Go on."

He returned his stare to the empty table before them. "My favorite is training you in a high position at the Academy. You would educate cadets ready to head out on their first missions, some of them dangerous, have you brushed up on the Dominion?"

She shook her head.

"There are dire times ahead of us and these young men and women need to be prepared. Finally, we could promote you, name you Admiral, it means a desk..."

She grunted.

"But it also means you'd remain a vital part of Starfleet's future. the Dominion, the Romulans, your information on the Borg is above and beyond our best intelligence." He turned completely to face her and squared his shoulders. "We need young blood at Headquarters and at the Academy."

"I'm not far off of 50!" She laughed at his reference.

"And still half my age." He smiled and placed his hand on her cheek like a father or grandfather would. "I'm sorry we can't give you a command. You'd be valuable out there with a crew, but we could use you here in the city as well. Think about it. Talk it over with your closest friends and family. There is no hurry, I won't let them push you any farther." He slid his hand from her cheek and slowly made his way from the room, dimming the lights with a wave of his hand over a sensor strip near the door.

She followed after a long moment and was delighted to see Chakotay standing on the other side. "There won't be any further proceedings."

He exhaled in a rush and took her hands. "I couldn't hear what you were discussing, the audio system was off in there." He motioned to the side room.

"The panels before this all decided no charges, no further investigation necessary." She grinned and kissed him before walking with him to the bright of San Francisco's beautiful sunshine. She repeated everything she could remember of her discussion with the President, including the three options he'd given her.

Chakotay quieted and strolled beside her deep in thought.

"Your ship leaves soon, doesn't it?" She whispered, suddenly remembering he'd not long be left in her world, regardless of her choices.

"In three weeks. We begin training runs in less than one." He responded stiffly.

Her good spirits dropped and it felt as if a storm would blow up on them right there. "I can't say I want you to go." She offered softly. "But I'm proud of you, getting a new command back here... willing to stay in Starfleet despite the struggle the Maquis are facing in their fight."

"I see now there is nothing good that can come of my serving the Maquis. I don't believe I should be harming anyone. I believe in their cause, but I can't fight for it any more."

She smiled softly. "I believe in their cause too. I couldn't have said that even five years ago, let alone when you first boarded _Voyager_. I'm going to miss you." She stopped walking and sat on a low rock wall that was bordering the old walkways between Starfleet Headquarters and the Academy.

"The only way we could stay together would be for me to resign or for you to." He sighed.

"Neither of us are willing to do that, are we?"

He leaned against the wall and looked past her at the partially wooded gardens. "No... we're needed right now."

"Sacrificial living." She mumbled.

"Looks that way." He sighed and rested his chin on the top of her head. "Is there any reason we can't remain together... even with lightyears between us?"

"I don't want anyone else, Chakotay, I can wait for you." She pulled back and looked up at his dark, sad eyes.

"I will come back to you." He took her hands and pulled her up. "Perhaps we'll have to spend every last moment of these next weeks together?"

She smiled. "I imagine that won't be hard to do."

. . . .

"Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, Captain. Please step forward." The booming voice echoed around the crowded hall.

Kathryn stood and made her way down several stairs to the center of the empty floor. Despite the crowd around her the silence was intense. She swallowed hard as Admiral Paris stepped down from a platform beyond her.

"I want everyone here to know a few things about this amazing woman." He turned her to face the room. There were easily a thousand people there, including the entire _Voyager_ crew. "Many of you knew her father, many of you served under and with him. Her strength is ten times his, her resolve is far more stubborn."

A ripple of chuckles from an older portion of the crowd eased Kathryn's tension slightly.

"Most of you know she served under me, I bragged about her all of the time." He smirked sideways at her. "Most of you know she was there the day we lost Old Ed."

The room grew deathly still again.

"Most of you know she couldn't get him out of the ice. Most of you know she nearly died there with him." His voice cracked with the slow recount of those events and he gripped her arm.

Kathryn fought back tears and bit her lip, locking eyes with her mother, who'd been sitting near her when the ceremony began. Gretchen Janeway's face was red, tears streaming down her cheeks, but she had a small proud smile.

"_Most_ of you know when she boarded my ship we were headed on a damn foolish mission. Some of you sent us there. She didn't know. She followed orders. She came with me. She reported to the shuttle bay as ordered. She piloted it to the planet where we were to meet our undercover contact. She fought the controls when we were shot and began to spiral out of control. She kept us from crashing to our deaths right there." He added the last bit wryly. "Would have prevented a lot of suffering in our futures." He glanced at her with a smirk.

She returned it, but could see he was uneasy about retelling this story. "Only a handful of you at best know she stayed with me when we were captured... she could have gotten away. Only one other person here today knows she took care of me each night after the torture had ended."

Admiral Kimball's eyes were shut tightly against her own memories of the Cardassian camps.

"Not one of you here knows that our intelligence officer lost that day was her lover of 6 years. An Academy romance that never died. This woman, Kathryn Janeway continued to follow orders after that... some of you think she's gone renegade because of her experiences in the Delta Quadrant, but if the years leading up to that trip gave us a stronger officer I can't believe that seven more would steer her away!" He stared down a few admirals directly who averted their own eyes. "I can't believe 7 years of a constant, steady, dedicated Captain, heading home, adhering to ranks, procedures, ideals, and spreading some of those feelings among the indigenous species could not be trusted to take another command! I can't believe we would deny a ship to someone who not only kept her own crew in line, but integrated others to it and taught them our rules and ways!" He took a sharp breath and returned to panning his audience. "Sadly, that decision has been made."

Kathryn's arm was hurting from the grip he had on her and her head was spinning with memories enough for ten lifetimes.

"Most of you know the officer beside me, but far too few of you know the soul inside of her. I stand here proud today to commend her for her dedicated service, bravery, ingenuity, loyalty. For the countless lives she's saved, mine included. For all of the people she's touched and changed." He looked at Tom who was bouncing Miral on his lap to keep her quiet. "I wouldn't have a beautiful granddaughter today if she didn't believe in the potential of some of the younger members of her crew." He cleared his throat and turned to Kathryn. "I'm proud to call you my friend... my family... and to give you the rank and title, with all of the privileges, duties and responsibilities, of Admiral."

The room erupted in cheers as Admiral Paris pinned a new pip on her collar and kissed her hand with a grin. "A lot of people no longer with us would be proud of you." He added softly. "You may not want a desk, but use it well, Admiral Janeway."


	7. A Hard Farewell

A Hard Farewell

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there. B'Elanna had them patch it through for me." He was beaming at her from the small screen on her desk.

"It's not your fault they sent you out early." She assured him. "I miss you so much already."

"It's been strange, not just this week, but the months after getting off _Voyager_. Not to see you every day. It leaves me empty and a little uneasy."

She nodded, pulling a cup of coffee closer to her and staring out the window beside her. "It's not going to be easy, but I think we made the right decisions."

He felt they had, but wanted to hear what she was thinking. He didn't prompt her for more, but he watched her breathe slowly until her eyes cleared and she looked back at him.

"It's been two hours and the intelligence information that has already come across my desk is overwhelming. The Federation as a whole is indeed facing dark times."

His eyes clouded over. "My dreams have been uneasy, and my Vision Quests have held no answers for me. This has in my past experiences indicated... doom." He threw in the dramatic word for lack of a better one.

"Please be careful out there. I need you to come home to me." She leaned closer to the screen, touched where his cheek showed and gasped through tears. "I need you to always come home."

Fin


End file.
